Step Away from the Social Networking Sites

Top two reasons I should have stayed off of Facebook this weekend:

• Seeing a picture of J and his wife at their wedding reception where she is beautiful and all smiles and he looks like a condemned man which I found to be an interesting choice of pictures to post on his page.  (Also, an all white tux?  Really J?  *cringe*)
• Seeing that BJ has changed his status back to “in a relationship.”

Question: Why do I want to torture myself that way?

Answer: I don’t.

 

Question: Do I intend to get on Facebook again soon?
Answer: Absolutely not.

 

Question: Why don’t I just avoid checking the pages of people whose updates are liable to upset me?
Answer: Lack of will power. I can’t resist trying to check on people who matter to me (even if I don’t matter to them or maybe particularly if I don’t matter to them).

 

Question: Why do I let these things get to me when clearly these weren’t the right men for me anyway?
Answer: I DON’T KNOW!!!!! Alright? I don’t know. I know it’s stupid. I know I should shift my focus elsewhere. I know, and I know, and I know. But I don’t know why these things get to me so badly. I just don’t know.

 

And now? I would just like to go lock myself in my room for the rest of the day, have a good cry and maybe take a really long nap. . . if only I didn’t have to be at work trying to focus on reports that must be created this week whether or not I feel up to the task.

Sunday Stealing: The Over the Top Meme

This week I'm a day early with this post. Usually I'm a day late. Hey, maybe sometime in the future I'll actually post Sunday Stealing on Sunday!

Part One - Describe:

Your hair? Ugly mousy brown with just a few grays, long and shaggy looking since I gave up salon cuts and color when the money got tight.

Your mother? Strong, capable, one of a kind, knows she's right about everything, bows to my dad even when she knows he's wrong.

Your father? Insecure, always putting up a front, easily angered if his authority is questioned.

Your favorite food? Papa Del's pizza

Your dream last night? I wish I could remember it better. It was very elaborate and detailed. It would make a great science fiction book or movie if only I could remember the details, but I can barely bring some of them back to my conscious mind. Hoping I'll dream it again soon so I maybe I can remember it better.

Your favorite drink? Jack & Coke (Oh, like I haven't answered that here before about 14 bazillion times)

Your dream/goal? To be able to retire by 65 and then work part-time doing basic accounting/bookkeeping work for fun.

The room are you in? (awkwardly worded much? yeah) The home office.

Your hobby? Beating myself up for how awful I am.

Your fear? Never being truly loved by a man.

Your TV? Works just fine thank you.

Your Pets? Just one, a fabulous dog who loves me no matter what, even when I'm late with his breakfast.

Friends? Good grief, how often do we have to go over this. No friends. I don't know how to be a friend or keep a friend.

Your life? Sucks.

Your mood? Sucks.

If you're missing someone? Hell yes. Every single day.

Your best friend? Doesn't even know she's my best friend, and I'd be embarrassed to tell her because I'm sure she'd think "Hell, we're not that good of friends. How could I be her best friend?"

Part Two - The Where's?

Where do you want to be in 6 years? Free of W, watching N finish high school, more financially secure than now, and still geographically right here in the same place.

Where were you last night? At home because N threw up in the hallway just as we were leaving for the Illini basketball game. Sigh. . .

Where did you grow up? In small town rural heart of America, where farming was the major industry and people still knew everybody in town.

One place that I go to over and over? The University of Illinois campus area -- it is the place in the world where I feel most comfortable and where I come closest to fitting in.

Your favorite place to eat out? Dos Reales or Papa Del's

Wish list items? Universal health care, enough money to have a professional take care of my hair

Last time you laughed? This morning.

Last time you cried? A few minutes ago.

Part Three - The What's?

Something that you aren't? A girly girl

Last thing you did? Went to get my license plates renewed

What are you wearing? Green undies, white bra, Seattle t-shirt, denim shirt, jeans, glasses

Something you're not wearing? Shoes or socks

Your favorite store? Meijer

Thursday Therapy: Ever Closer

Listening today to Dan Fogelberg’s Netherlands CD, as I often do since it is probably my favorite album of his, I got stuck on one song, a song I know well, a song I can sing from heart, and yet a song with words that made me stop and pause today, to remove focus from my spreadsheet, close my eyes, and just listen.

Promises Made
by Dan Fogelberg

Promises made and promises broken
Measures of our demise
Secrets of souls that rarely get spoken
Pleasure's a thin disguise

Dozens of ways and dozens of reasons
Shielding our hearts from pain
Riddles of romance
That distance may yet explain

Certain of nothing
So fearful of love
Nobody seems to show you enough
Over and over the scenes are replayed
And once again those promises made

Feeling forsaken, broken in two
How did this ever happen to you
Taken for granted, bruised and betrayed
Lonely survivors these promises made

Dozens of ways and dozens of reasons
Shielding our hearts from pain
Riddles of romance
That distance may yet explain

Certain of nothing
You're so damn fearful of love
Nobody seems to show you enough
Over and over the scenes are replayed
And once again those promises made
Those promises made

Dan wrote more than beautiful music. He wrote music that actually said something, that held stories so meaningful to me and I’m sure to others. Anyway the song lyrics above are where my head is today, and it is heart wrenching to me. It sums me up quite well I think.

I spend a good deal of time and effort trying to shield my heart from pain. Yet my efforts don’t work. Over and over, I turn in the wrong direction and end up with more and more pain. Over and over I fuck up my life better than anyone else could ever do to me.

Okay Freud, next Tuesday it ain’t gonna be that easy session like last time. We’re heading back into the muck that is my psyche. We’re gonna continue working on ferreting out what’s driving me and how to change it. I feel it. It is close. It is very close. Yet I still can’t quite open that lid and really take a look at it. I get so close, and my mind runs away refusing to look. But I’m closer than ever before, and I do feel we’re nearing a breakthrough. It’s there, that something, oh yes, it is definitely there, and getting closer to becoming clear. I am terrified.

A Dozen Fives

I saw this on another blog, and because I'm feeling meme-y this week I swiped it.  Feel free to swipe it too if you are so inclined

FIVE YEARS AGO, I WAS . . .
1 - at least 100 lbs lighter than I am now.
2 - working in a job I didn't care for.
3 - dealing with the fallout from W's colon cancer
4 - dealing with the fallout from W's broken shoulder
5 - coming to the conclusion that adopting more children was not in our future

FIVE SNACKS I ENJOY
1 - apple slices with caramel dip
2 - pimiento cheese spread on crackers
3 - Frosted Mini-Wheats (dry, not with milk on them)
4 - caramel corn or kettle corn
5 - Fritos with cottage cheese

IF I WERE A BILLIONAIRE, I WOULD . . .
1 - pay off my mortgage
2 - get the rest of my bills caught up
3 - pay for W to go into assisted living
4 - donate generously to my some of my favorite charities as well as my church
5 - quit my current job and find a part time job

FIVE JOBS I HAVE HAD
1 - test tube washer
2 - concessions stand worker
3 - financial examiner
4 - accountant
5 - financial analyst

WHAT WERE YOU DOING 10 YEARS AGO (5 things)
1 - taking care of and delighting in a one-year-old N
2 - working at my dream job
3 - living in the best house I ever owned
4 - hosting dinner parties at my house
5 - serving as treasurer for my church

FIVE SONGS THAT YOU KNOW THE LYRICS TO:
1 - Amazing Grace
2 - In the Garden
3 - Old Tennessee by Dan Fogelberg
4 - Promises Made by Dan Fogelberg
5 - Jingle Bells

FIVE STORIES I HAVE READ:
1 - Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen
2 - The Shining by Stephen King
3 - The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
4 - The Promise by Danielle Steel
5 - False Memory by Dean Koontz

FIVE BAD HABITS:
1 - Picking my nose
2 - Procrastination
3 - Having sex with married men
4 - Plucking the hairs on my chin obsessively
5 - Hitting the snooze button repeatedly

FIVE THINGS YOU LIKE TO DO:
1 - Cheering loudly at Illini basketball games
2 - Playing board games
3 - Reading
4 - Watching reality TV
5 - Playing the piano

FIVE THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER WEAR AGAIN
1 - high heel shoes, I despise them
2 - mini skirts
3 - midriff tops
4 - wool suit in Miami, FL
5 - pajamas

FIVE FAVORITE MEALS
1 - Macaroni and cheese served with broccoli on the side
2 - Biscuits and gravy with plenty of strong black hot coffee to drink with it
3 - Pasta with mediterranean vegetables (my own recipe)
4 - Grilled cheese sandwich and creamy tomato soup
5 - Stuffed portobello mushrooms, mashed potatoes with gravy, green beans

FIVE THINGS IN THE WORLD YOU WANT TO SEE BEFORE YOU DIE:
1 - Universal health care in the U.S.
2 - The British Isles
3 - N all grown up and on his own
4 - All 50 states (only have 12 to go)
5 - Illini winning the NCAA Basketball Championship

PMS Is Not the Only Reason to be Grumpy

Spent time with J on Saturday. I was suffering a bout of PMS (knew I was close to starting. . . hoped it would hold off. . . and it did. . . until yesterday. . . when it arrived in full force with all its glory. . . where's my chocolate?) which is probably why I was not so happy about how things went.

My biggest reaction to the entire four hours we spent together is this:

Will the man never shut up?!?!?

Could I maybe get a word in edgewise somewhere? Must every moment be filled with words? Must everything he tells me have to be about his first ex-wife and how she’s not letting him see his kids enough, or T and how she’s still managing to mess up his life, or his current wife and how annoying she is? Worse yet, is when he starts in on the whole evangelistic sharing. Dude, you’re lying naked next to someone not your wife. Preaching straight-laced Christian fundamentalism seems somehow dissonant at that point.

And yet, there I am, sharing the cost of a room, patiently listening, trying to find a way to somehow get a little fulfillment for myself from all of this. I even asked him to stay longer. I don’t know, maybe hope springs eternal that if we were around each other long enough he’d listen to me too, perhaps even ask how I’m doing.

But let’s be realistic here. That isn’t going to happen. He’s so wrapped up in himself, in his own needs, in his own life, that I’m nothing but a warm place to put it occasionally.

Maybe PMS has very little to do with why I wasn’t so happy with how things went. Maybe I was unhappy because the whole thing sucked. It was all about him and not at all about me, or us. He’s a selfish bastard, and I deserve so much better. Why does he have to prove that repeatedly? Why can’t I just get the message and move on? Sigh. . . so much personal growth is still needed here.

Also, the last couple of times with J before this one seemed so much better to me. I think it was because I was using J for revenge sex. I was being utterly defiant of BJ and our relationship by going behind his back and screwing someone else, getting revenge for hurts BJ had caused me. Now, without that as motivation there’s just nothing there for me when J and I get together, because the sex isn’t good, the company isn’t good; there’s just not one good reason to ever do this again.

Hmm, yeah, wonder how long this resolve will hold out. . .

Sunday Stealing: The Strange Question Meme, Part 2

26. What color is your watch? Gold

27. What do you think of when you hear “Australia”? Emily, Sulky Girl, Fusion

28. Would you strip for money? Probably not

29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? drive thru

30. What is your favorite number? 14

31. Who’s the last person you talked to on the phone? N

32. Any plans today? work, lunch with M

33. In how many states have you lived? Let me think a minute -- four

34. Biggest annoyance right now? W

35. Last song listened to? No idea

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? Not well

37. Do you have a maid service clean your house? Used to, before I got too poor

38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? Black, boxy flats by Dr. Scholls. Very comfy, not stylish at all, but very comfy.

39. Are you jealous of anyone? Yes

40. Is anyone jealous of you? Are you kidding me? What on earth could there be to be jealous of in this train wreck?

41. Do you love anyone? Yes

42. Do any of your friends have children? Yes

43. What do you usually do during the day? Work

44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now? No

45. Do you use the word hello daily? Probably not; I'm more a hi person than hello.

46. What color is your car? Black

47. What size wedding ring do you wear? Well, I'm not wearing one, but the one I have is a 6

48. Are you thinking about someone right now? No, I'm concentrating on this meme.

49. Have you ever been to Six Flags? Only a gazillion times.

50. How did you get your worst scar? Falling on the merry-go-round in first grade

Thursday Therapy: Sometimes You Just Need a Break

Therapy this week was more like a chat with a friend than therapy. I wondered, oh a little more than halfway through, if this was a good use of therapy time. I’m still not sure, but I think it wasn’t all so awfully bad to be a little more low key than the intense heart wrenching sessions we’ve had lately.

Anyway, we started out with my questions about how I handled N’s recent line of questioning (as detailed in last week’s TT post). Freud said I handled it not so badly and gave me a few suggestions of how to respond in the future to similar things. One suggestion was to add to what I said some inquiry as to how N is feeling about things and trying to draw out what it is that motivated his asking so that I might be able to address the feelings behind the questions. For example, if N is worried about whether or not W will continue to live with us and what that might mean for N if I kick W out again then I could address those worries.

Also, I did report a success to Freud, one that I’ll admit I’m pretty darned proud of. A few days ago W and I were discussing the meds I’m on for my depression (there was some confusion with the refill of the prescription between me, the pharmacy and doctor so I ended up going a few days without them), and I mentioned that I felt that I really needed them because they make me a whole lot more able to deal with life. He replied that he didn’t think there was anything wrong with me, that I was just fine without the meds. Instead of kowtowing to W and just shutting up like I used to do this time I spoke up for myself. I told him, not shouted but just said in measured tones, that I don’t appreciate him discounting the things I say. I told him that just because I may be able to hold things together on the outside to present to the world a façade of “okayness” doesn’t mean that’s how I feel on the inside. I went on to say that I would appreciate it if he would respect the things I say and believe them rather than arguing with me about them. He actually then apologized to me, a real apology too not just “I’m sorry you feel that way” (his standard apology) but “I’m sorry. I won’t do that to you again.” (Not that I believe he really won’t because he probably will, but at least he was apologizing for what he himself did and not how I felt about it so that’s progress.)

Maybe I just felt negative about therapy this week because it wasn’t hard, wasn’t ugly, caused no tears, and I didn’t leave with a mental laundry list of all the things I need to work on. Maybe I’m just not used to celebrating, or even acknowledging, my own successes. Maybe it’s okay that sometimes therapy, and life, doesn’t have to wallow in the misery, the bad, the stuff that needs fixing. Maybe it’s okay to just sometimes say “Yay me!”

Yay me!